I sit this morning in solitude and think about my actions this week. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how my words and choices affect those around me, making a more conscious effort to listen, pause and respond before allowing my emotions to get the best of me.
I think that’s something that will take a plethora of more hours but I’m hopeful I can get to a place I’m proud of.
From that thinking, I’ve felt compelled to reach out to two individuals whom I know to have specifically impacted; and not just in your desirable ‘positive’ way.
It was about two years ago when I chose to put my own emotions, needs and beliefs before these others’ and while over the course of that time I became evermore aware of this fact and the unsettling feeling of my selfish behaviors, I didn’t pay much attention, and let those feelings settle in the back of my mind.
I chose to focus my attentions elsewhere, for reasons now I also recognize to be selfish. And the more that word is brought forth through this thought-dump of writing, it’s becoming increasingly clear why I’m so quick to push that same word onto others; so quick to notice that quality in those around me.
Over the last few years as I began to lean into myself, living my life for me as I called it, the more synchronized my experience became. I felt myself prospering, radiating energy beyond myself, mystifying and magnetizing those around me. I literally FELT and SAW this happening. But with that synchronicity still came choice, and in some moments I chose to act selfishly, emotionally hurting a few that I can only ever say simply wanted my love, attention and appreciation.
While I can’t take back my actions, I can say that now I understand. My eyes are open. And with that, I can express my apologies in a way that I know how: through my words. But as we all know, words are only words. It’s our actions that seem to make a more resounding difference. And thus, those words may have appeared just a little too late.
But that’s okay, isn’t it? Because if we go back to the central theme of all of my posts and thoughts, life is about learning. Being here today is about experiencing and evolving beyond where we were just yesterday. And we won’t always go forward. Some days we may find we’ve taken a few steps back. But if you look at where you are today and compare that to where you were a few years ago, well damn, I’m sure as hell you’d be pretty proud of what you see. At least I hope you would be.
I know I have a ways to go, but I’m thankful for where I am right now, in this moment. And I’m allowing myself to be okay with where I am. Because I’m not perfect. Nobody is. But we don’t have to be. Instead, let’s be self-aware, accepting and forgiving, and through that, love is born.
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